The Beginning of the End

It has officially begun. The months are gone, the weeks are numbered, and the days are quickly slipping away. The end is coming.

This end is a beginning, yes. New school. A whole new life, practically! But I think it's important to acknowledge that it's also the end of a lot of things. Like the day I had today.

I've been away with my family for a few weeks, so today was the first time in a long time that I got to see my friends. And it was weird. In a way, we have so much in common, yet in another way we have so much pulling us apart.

We are all at the same point in our lives, all weeks away from starting university. We all have lists and lists of things we need to pack and buy, places we have to go, and people we have to say goodbye to. In that way, we understand each other like no one else could. Our conversations flowed easily from discussions of marks to classes to orientation to roommates. We're all worried about the same things. There was a universal anxiety. I'm shy, but even my most outgoing friend is scared of all the change that's coming.

It was interesting to compare our feelings and concerns. My one friend, S, is going to school in Toronto. She has to deal with dorms, roommates, and a new school, but other than that her life will stay the same. She's still going to live in her hometown. She's still going to see her parents and her house and many of her friends. She plans on coming home on sunday nights or occasional drop-ins. Still, she's very nervous. She doesn't know what it will be like to live with a roommate. She fears orientation week. She doesn't like all this change.

My other friend, F, is going to school two hours away. She will have to deal with a new city, a new living situation, and new classes in subjects she has never taken before. She plans on coming up every weekend or every other weekend. She's very excited about school, and extremely enthusiastic about all the orientation stuff. She's generally a positive person, and this is no exception.

And then there's me. I'm moving nine hours away. New subjects, new dorm, new province, new language, new culture. I'm terrified. I'm trying very hard to be positive, but I'm not perfect. I get anxious about move in day. I get scared about meeting new people, going to new classes. I'm trying to be okay with all of this, but I'm not really. I'm just getting better at pretending. Somedays, I feel completely ready. But mostly, I just feel sad. Sad to leave home. Sad to leave my friends and my world. Sad that so much is ending.

It was so strange meeting today. We had so much to talk about, so many things to discuss about the future. But there were still many silences. Because while we have a lot to say about our individual futures, there's nothing left of us except our collective past. This is it. Usually, as I'm walking home, I analyze everything everyone said and did, evaluating the day. Today, when I started to do that, I just shook my head. It doesn't matter anymore.

Because our friendship is over. But our futures are just beginning.