I don't even remember. I suppose somewhere in elementary school. I remember loving Sam and David in All American Girl, so I guess that could have been the beginning. But who knows.
I feel so silly and cynical and stupid. If there's anything I believe in in the world, it's love, right?
But all I can think right now is that love isn't real. Or that it isn't worth it.
That love is parents screaming at each other about money or who gets to keep the coffee table or who has to clean the dishes.
That love is disgusting need and giving too much and too little and strangling someone with all your emotions and just crying and crying and crying.
That love is always letting someone down because you can't always be there, because even when you both know it's the best thing, you're still hurting them, and you still miss them, and it's just not worth it.
And no, I didn't just break up with a boyfriend or something. As if.
But my parents are about to get divorced.
So that might explain something.
All I know is I'm sad. I'm angry because when I look in the mirror before I go to bed I see a pretty, smart, attractive girl. But, when I wake up in the morning, nobody sees that. I'm invisible. No boy ever bothers to notice me. Except for homework help, as always. I'm that girl. Again.
For five seconds, I wasn't that girl, and, truthfully, I still miss that pretty much everyday. No him. Just the feeling.
I miss not being sad. Because I'm sad a lot now. I don't want to lose my house or my family. I don't want to be lonely like this forever.
I recently realized that I've never actually seen two people in love in real life. Not really. Certainly not my parents. Who else could there be? It makes me think I just like romance because it allows me to try and replace or fix whatever the fuck's been wrong with my parents' marriage for all these years.
Or, sometimes, I just think, it allows me to listen the great speeches the cute boys make and pretend they're speaking to me.
Either way, it's depressing and joyless and just pathetic. Either way, I just kind of hate romance right now.
Thanks for letting me wallow.
Hey Katherine, I just wanted to say the most cliched thing ever, that it takes time. I was in pretty much the same position when my parents got divorced as I was starting ninth grade, and I'm pretty sure I felt the exact same way as you and honestly, I just grew really apart from them throughout high school. I'm not close with either of my parents, and I think that's partially because I feel that when I was young, i could always count on them and look up to them, and admire their own love story, but a divorce just breaks some kind of trust with them-- well, that's the way i viewed it. It took me years, literally, but now that I'm in uni I can look back and accept it or whatever, but it's not easy and not immediate is what i'm saying. So yeah, I'm not really sure where this comment is going but I just wanted to send you internet hugs.
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Hey Audrey
DeleteI understand what you mean about the trust thing, and it really does suck. As much as I think it's the best thing for both of them, I still hate what it's doing to my life.
Thanks for the advice, and thanks for letting me know that there's someone out there who feels the same things I do.