Friday, December 16, 2011

Going Home

I have my last exam in forty minutes. That means I'm going home today.

Most of me is excited. Ecstatic. Last night, I couldn't fall asleep because I was so excited. Kind of like that feeling you get on Christmas Eve. You're so excited for the next day to come that you desperately want to sleep, but you're excitement keeps you awake. I was jumping around my room. I felt like a little kid. In that way, it's nice that I've been away so long. Now it means so much more going back.

I want to open them so badly! Why can't it be Christmas yet?!?

But going back also means bad things. Scary things. And that's why there's a part of me that's not excited. There's a significant part of me that's nervous. And I know I haven't been blogging and I suck for that, but I was hoping you'd give me a few minutes of your time to talk about my nervousness. In exchange, I promise book and tv posts next week. Deal?

Right now I feel like I'm in a weird interstitial space. Like I'm not fully emotionally committed to my life at university, but I've moved past being fully engaged with my life in Toronto. If that makes sense.

I have friends here. My life is here now. My present, my foreseeable future. That makes it feel like I don't fully belong at home. Like I don't fully know how to be that person who I was last year. I feel like I've forgotten how to be a best friend, a daughter, a student. I feel like I've changed and everybody back home is going to expect me to be the same. And I'm not sure if I know how to go back like that. I don't know if I'll remember how to respond the right way and how to be who they want me to be. I don't know. I'm confused.

At the same time, I don't feel like I'm fully in this university world. The people I'm closest to, the people I care most about--family, friends, teachers--are all in Toronto. My loyalty still lies to Toronto. I still call Toronto home. I have a lot of friends here and I really like them. I like my courses. I like my future. But my past is still such a part of my life. I may not see those people everyday, but I think about them. I know they're there, supporting me. I remember that when things are hard here. The Toronto people may not be a physical part of my everyday life, but they're still an essential emotional part.

As a result, I feel like I'm caught between two worlds, not fully fitting into either of them. That makes me scared to go. And I'm sure it will make me scared to come back in January. And it scares me that I don't have anywhere where I'm fully comfortable. My life is split right now. No matter where I am, there's something missing. When I'm here, I miss home. When I'm home, I'm sure I'll miss it here. It bothers me that there's nowhere that's complete.

I feel divided. Scared. Nervous. Absolutely out of my head excited. So many emotions. It's overwhelming.

And that's me right now. Thanks for reading. I promise, I promise, I promise, to get back to more regular blogging. And I promise to mention something pop culture-y very soon.


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