I Was A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

Tonight, I celebrated my eighteenth birthday with my family. My actual birthday was a little less than a month ago, but due to exams and grandmothers and general life stuff, I hadn't been able to celebrate until now. Either way, happy birthday to me :)

I don't know who's dog this is, but I love it. One of my life goals is to own a Cavalier King Charles Cocker Spaniel, just like this one.

As I marked this momentous occasion, I realized that this is really the end of my teen years. The official cut off date, so to speak. I mean, I don't feel like an adult yet. I'm still in high school! I still live with my parents! But now I can vote and gamble and almost drink and get my name printed in the newspaper if I commit a crime. All big stuff. I'm still adjusting. I still feel like a teen, still talk like a teen, still have teen friends, and, of course, I still read teen books. 

I actually own this guide. It's quite helpful. 

But officially, according to the law, I am an adult. And so, I thought I'd take a minute to reflect on what being a teenager meant to me. Everyone makes such a big deal of the teen years. So many movies are made about it, shows centered around it, and, of course, books written about it. It's when you figure out who you are, apparently. I didn't. I don't know if I ever will. I don't know if anyone ever does.

Who am I? You're guess is as good as mine!

For me, being a teen was not awful thing that pop culture makes it out to be. But it wasn't great either. I think that's the way with a lot of things in life. It's not as exciting or dramatic as the movies, in a good or bad way. 

One of the worse parts of teendom was the change. Teenagers change a lot. A lot of my friends changed completely. They're different people now. Strangers, almost. The girl who I talked to everyday, the only girl who was quieter than me, now has a boyfriend. That blows my mind. The girl who always made a sleepover great, who always made me laugh, and was always there when I cried, apparently sleeps with so many guys that it becomes gossip at other schools. Almost all my friends drink now. A lot of them do drugs. They've all changed. And I've changed. We aren't friends anymore, because we aren't those people anymore. We don't have anything in common anymore. We don't have anything to say to each other anymore. To me, that's shocking and sad, and a really hard part of growing up. 

I was in a program where it was all academics all the time, yet there was still a lot of drama and theatrics. A girl swore at me for giving her a bad review on her project. My entire theatre class spent two hours burning me at the stake. A guy from my class hurt me, humiliated me, and never once apologized for it. Another guy spread rumours that I liked him, laughing as he told people. 

I never had a boyfriend. I never had a first kiss. I never had sex. I never drank. I never did drugs. I never broke the law. I never broke a school rule. I didn't do a lot of teen stuff. I did homework instead. But still, I feel like I lived my teen years well. I had the drama. And, yeah, maybe, I didn't experience everything I could have. But I gave it everything I had. And I'm coming out on the other side, happy with who I am. Still scared and uncertain, but still proud of what I've done, and, more importantly, what I'm going to do. 

I have a debate with my parents: If I had gone to a different high school, who would I be? They think I could have easily gone down a different path. A much more typical one. That was hard for me to believe, at least at first. But, upon reflection, it seems somewhat true. When I was thirteen, I was unformed. Undefined. I had ideas of who I was, principals of what I wanted to be. But really, I could have been anything. To use a really nerdy reference, I was a stem cell. I had all the functioning organelles, but I was unspecialized. I could still grow to be anything. A liver. A pancreas. A gall bladder. A heart. 

This was always my favourite diagram to draw for biology. And, it's the most important organ. The one I want to be the most. The thing I want to have the most. 

In the end, I think I grew to be something of a geek. A theatre nerd. An antisocial weirdo. An academically obsessed alien. A young adult book blogger. A crafter. I'm not fully formed yet, but I've started to specialize, deactivating certain parts of my personality and activating others. I could still turn out to be a lung, but I couldn't be a skin cell. 

You get to experiment a lot when you're a teen (and no, I don't mean drugs). You have an increasing freedom, with very few responsibilities. There are a lot of possibilities in your teen years. If I have any regrets (and I don't truly believe in regrets), it's that I didn't explore more of them. But oh well. We can't do everything, as it said in the poem from the IB english exam this year (another nerdy reference! Look at me go!)

There's a website I recently came across--Dear Teen Me--where people write letters to their teenage selves. What would I say to myself? Well, don't think I've had enough years to reflect, but I'll give it a try anyways:

Age 13: Treasure your friends as they are now. Because they're all going to change. But that's okay. You'll survive, I promise. But you can never get this time back, so appreciate it. Appreciate who you are right now.

Age 14: Good job. You survived the hard part--your first year of high school. And you've done fairly well--good grades, a really good friend. I know, things aren't perfect. But stop expecting them to be. You're not perfect. Your friends aren't perfect. Accept that!

Age 15: I know, it's hard right now. But I promise you, truly, from the bottom of my heart, it will get better. In the meantime, try to stop being so stressed. Stop putting so much stress on your friendships. Certain people are only meant to be in your life for a certain amount of time. That's okay. Move on. Accept your friends, and accept how things are now. I know, you don't like change, but you're going to have to learn to deal with it some time. 

Age 16: Good luck. One of the biggest challenges of your life is just beginning. I wish there was something I could say to prepare you for it, to help you get through it, but there isn't. It's hard. That's the truth. It's a lot of work. And you're not always going to succeed. But in the end, it'll be okay. More than okay. You'll do great, trust me. And yes, you will get hurt along the way. Really hurt. You'll cry a lot--because of teachers, classmates, and friends. But you'll survive. Somehow. Again, good luck. 

Age 17: You're almost there! Yay! But still, you've got a long way to go. But keep going. This will be the best academic year of your life, you'll see. Believe in yourself. But also allow yourself to feel things. To feel stressed. To feel hurt. Stand up for yourself. Enjoy yourself. This is your last year of being a teen. 

And so, here I am, eighteen. No longer a teen, not really an adult. It feels weird. But a good weird. Rachel having Emma weird. And I know, I shouldn't make an old tv reference right now. But maybe, just maybe, that's the nerd I am. 

10 Things I Want to Say to You

I read this on Steph Bowe's blog, who read it on someone else's blog. You know how these things work. A friend of a friend of mine... Hopefully you'll read this and make a list of your own.

Anyways, here are 10 things I'd say to different people in my life, if I was allowed. If I didn't have to be afraid of hurting their feelings, or saying the right thing, or scaring them, or embarrassing myself. If I could say anything I wanted, here's what I'd say to you:

1) You are such a nice person and you have done so much for me. I owe so much to you, but sometimes, it feels like you don't owe me anything, like you don't need me at all. I wish you wouldn't make me feel that way. Do you really want to be my friend?

2) Please, just relax. Let it come to you. We're never going to be best friends. Stop trying so hard, forcing your way in. We need some space. I need some space. Please.

3) You are so arrogant, and I cannot stand it. The worst part is, you have nothing to back it up! You are not that smart! And I hate your writing! It's just plain awful! I wish you would stop showing off in such transparent ways. You are not that smart, just mean and arrogant, and I really hate you for it.

4) I miss you. I miss who you used to be. I think about you everyday, and I wish we could still be friends. I'll always remember you, and love you for who you were. I hope you can be that person again some day. I'll always be proud of you, looking out for you. I hope you get all you've been working for.

5) I am in the IB program! So stop insulting it to my face! Stop insulting my friends, and stop insulting my classmates! I've been the program for 4 years--I obviously see some use to it. When you say all that stuff, I get insulted! It's a personal attack, can't you see that? Stop badmouthing us! It is mean and unprofessional.

6) Thank you. I know we've had some issues, but I'm glad to be able to talk to you everyday. You been such a large part of my high school experience, and such a large part of my life. I've hated you and had so much fun with you and laughed with you and talked about everything with you. I'm glad to have you in my life.

7) I love you and I don't know how I'll ever live without you. I can't think about losing you. You mean the whole world to me.

8) What's wrong with me?

9) What am I doing wrong? Why don't I get to be special? Why don't I get a bing? I am just as good as everyone else! Why won't you notice me?

10) You are a mean person. Shut up. You are cruel, and hurtful, and I hate you. Yes, you made me cry. Many times. Congratulations. You were the biggest jerk then, and you're the biggest jerk now, bringing it up every single time I talk to you. You are such an awful person and I feel bad for anyone who has to live with you or know you. Most of all, I feel bad for you. You're going to have a lonely life, if you don't learn some common decency.

Things I Feel Insecure About

This is (supposedly) a teenage blog. Yet, I don't write a lot about being a teenager. Well, here it is, the ultimate teenage list: Things I feel insecure about. Enjoy!!

1) The fact that I don't have a job

Most teenagers hold some kind of job. Most of the teenagers I know have jobs. Abercrombie. The ROM. Coaching soccer. Instructing swimming. MacDonald's. Nothing huge, but still. I always feel guilty that I don't hold one. They are good experiences. They look good on college applications and resumes. They prepare you for your future career. They allow to figure what you want that future career to be.

I always justify my unemployment with the fact that I'm in a very aggressive academic program. While that may be true, it doesn't account for the people in my class, who have the exact same workload and exact same amount of stress, who still manage to work. I should work. I don't hate getting money. I should save up for university. Ahahahahaha.

2) My eyebrows

They are my father's eyebrows, and I hate them. They are bushy and weird and make me fear a unibrow. Ack.

3) Well, of course, the rest of my body

I don't wear swim suits. I don't wear shorts. I don't even wear capri pants. I hate my legs. And my arms. And my feet. And everything. I hate summer, because I am expected to show all these things to the world. I try to avoid this if at all possible.

4) My selfishness

I don't do enough to help my parents. I don't do enough to help my friends. I don't do enough to help all the people in world who desperately need help as they experience earthquakes and floods and AIDS and basic poverty. I hate how selfish and self-involved I am. I need to help! Someone! Now!

5) My intelligence

In my program at school, academics are really, really, really important. And the kids in my class are all very, very, very smart. They can write better essays than I can. They can give better presentations than I can. And they can do it with less time and less effort than I do! It's very frustrating. I feel so stupid all the time. And I'm not that stupid. I get good marks. As good as any of the braniacs in my class. But I go a little crazy doubting it all. Any good mark I get is a fluke, an easy assignment, or something that I had to put way more effort into than everyone else. Any bad mark is expected, deserved, and means that I am stupid. It's a harsh way to judge yourself.

6) My friends

I have friends. I have good, good friends. I have okay friends. I have casual friends. But still, I am always doubting myself. Doubting everything I say, to everyone. Doubting if everyone, or anyone likes me. Doubt, doubt, doubt. It eats me alive.

7) My (lack) of a boyfriend

Self explanatory. I would like to be looked at as something other than "the smart girl" (see number 5) or "the nice girl". I love romance in books and tv shows. I am practically obsessed with it. Yet, I've never experienced it myself. 17, almost 18: never had sex, never made out with someone, never been on a date, never even been kissed. PATHETIC!

All the things on this list, all the things that make me feel insecure in life, come about because I don't feel like I fit in. I don't feel normal. I feel insecure about not being normal. Wow. I am the first teenager to feel that. Ever.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

I Like Like You

When I was in third grade I liked this boy named Jake. We wrote short stories together and sat together in class. I was pretty sure he liked me. Or that's how I like to remember it at least. The next year I moved on to Nathaniel Brown, who also sat next to me and gave me a valentine that said "I love sitting next to you". It wasn't I love you. But it was close enough for my fourth grade heart. There were more boys after that. Oliver, who sat next to me and made jokes, and then Connor who sat next to me in fifth grade. We did our math homework together and talked about books and school and volunteered together in the library every week. And then there was Kyle. I actually knew he liked me back. He wrote me love letters to tell me. He was very sweet. I ripped up those letters when it ended. After that there was Paul, in seventh (and I must admit, part of eighth) grade. He had blonde curly hair and he was funny. My weak spot. But then, after that, nothing. I got to high school, and I never had feelings like that again. I forgot what it felt like to feel like that. It was kind of nice in a way. Nothing to distract me or get my hopes up. But it was also kind of annoying. I was the lamest person in truth or dare. "Who do you like?" "No one". Yeah, not that interesting. But I was fine with that. I could handle boring. But then, out of the blue, Henry had to go and ruin all that.

It's always been a big plot point in movies and books, where the guy a girl likes says something mean to her or doesn't like her back, and she goes home crying. I never really understood those girls. This week I was one of those girls. It was awful. I felt so pathetic and stupid. I hated myself for it. How could I ever think he could like me? Why did I even care? Oh god, I'm such a pathetic little girl. I can't stand myself. But I can understand all those girls in all those movies.

When I was little everyone used to say "like" if they liked someone as a friend, and "like like" if they liked someone as more than a friend. I always assumed this was some little kid thing. I assumed there was an actual work, more sophisticated than "like like". I was wrong. It's still called "like like". And it still sucks when he doesn't "like like" you back.

Ignorance is Bliss

Some days, I will admit, being a teenager is kind of cool. I'm trying to think of an example of this, but none come to mind. But they must exist, surely. It isn't all embarrassment and awkwardness (well maybe it is). It certainly was awful today. Yes, that's right, an adult in my life tried to be funny. Yes, I did want to die (and no, to all you adults, I am not exaggerating. This is actually how teenagers feel when adults talk about sex. Especially when that adult happens to be their teacher).

It was this morning, during my school's version of philosophy class, we were talking about sunsets. My teacher was arguing that they were beautiful, but my classmate was arguing that no one cared about sunsets (and no, this argument is not as stupid as it sounds. My classmates are actually smart, I swear. You just catch them during their stupider moments). Well, my teacher rebuts my classmates argument with the following statement: "Watching a sunset is the best thing you can experience...that I can talk about in this room.". Yes, we were all squirming. Bad. Oh god, oh god, oh god.

It made me wish that I could go back to a time when I did not understand statements such as these, when I blissfully ignorant of sexual innuendos. Basically, I wish I could back to a time before I went to school with teenage boys, a time when the phrase "that's what she said" wasn't coming out of people's mouths every five seconds.

For instance, there was a time when this song didn't seem naughty to me at all:

Lines like "You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere" seemed perfectly innocent. After all it was something I did with my barbies all the time. I sang along to line like "Come jump in, be my friend, let us do it again" joyfully, with no comprehension of the funny looks adults were giving me. It was a great time, I tell you.

This bliss continued up into my tween years (god, don't you hate that word?). I remember the first time I saw The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movie. Until a friend pointed it out to me, I had no idea that Bridget and Eric had sex on the beach. And I had read the book. (go to this link to see the scene if you want to laugh at my ridiculous naivete).

The worst though, is rewatching old Friends episodes. Everything that used to go right over my head suddenly makes sense. It's so bizzare. There used to be so many lines that I had no idea what they were talking about. Now, thanks to those teenage boys and there oh-so-subtle catchphrase, I understand them all. Very well, and very graphically, I might add.

I really wish I could go back to this blissful ignorance. Well, let's face it: I wish I wasn't a teenager. Being a kid is cool. You have no idea what's going on but you're always having fun. And being an adult seems okay. You have freedom and you don't have to go to school. All good things. But being a teenager is just a series of awkward moments that don't end until the day you turn eighteen (at least, they better end then. I cannot handle a single day more of this). As I said in this post, it would be nice if we were older. We wouldn't have to wait so long to actually have sex and not just make dirty innuendos about it.

(sorry to any grandmothers I just upset with that sentence. I am a little shocked at myself, actually)

I better stop before this get any dirtier. Signing off for now folks.