I don't even remember. I suppose somewhere in elementary school. I remember loving Sam and David in All American Girl, so I guess that could have been the beginning. But who knows.
I feel so silly and cynical and stupid. If there's anything I believe in in the world, it's love, right?
But all I can think right now is that love isn't real. Or that it isn't worth it.
That love is parents screaming at each other about money or who gets to keep the coffee table or who has to clean the dishes.
That love is disgusting need and giving too much and too little and strangling someone with all your emotions and just crying and crying and crying.
That love is always letting someone down because you can't always be there, because even when you both know it's the best thing, you're still hurting them, and you still miss them, and it's just not worth it.
And no, I didn't just break up with a boyfriend or something. As if.
But my parents are about to get divorced.
So that might explain something.
All I know is I'm sad. I'm angry because when I look in the mirror before I go to bed I see a pretty, smart, attractive girl. But, when I wake up in the morning, nobody sees that. I'm invisible. No boy ever bothers to notice me. Except for homework help, as always. I'm that girl. Again.
For five seconds, I wasn't that girl, and, truthfully, I still miss that pretty much everyday. No him. Just the feeling.
I miss not being sad. Because I'm sad a lot now. I don't want to lose my house or my family. I don't want to be lonely like this forever.
I recently realized that I've never actually seen two people in love in real life. Not really. Certainly not my parents. Who else could there be? It makes me think I just like romance because it allows me to try and replace or fix whatever the fuck's been wrong with my parents' marriage for all these years.
Or, sometimes, I just think, it allows me to listen the great speeches the cute boys make and pretend they're speaking to me.
Either way, it's depressing and joyless and just pathetic. Either way, I just kind of hate romance right now.
Thanks for letting me wallow.