Thursday, November 1, 2012

If Anyone Is Still Reading

It's November.

That means American elections and fundraisers for prostate cancer and national novel writing month.

For me, though, it mostly means it's been two months. Sixty days since the divorce. And it still hurts like hell.

These past two months I haven't been writing on this blog at all. I've barely been reading. I've quit almost every club I was in at school. I'm not living. I'm just surviving. And it sucks.

For those that are interested in the book stuff, in the last two months I've read The Boy Recession by Flynn Meany (not nearly as good as it could've been), My Life in Black and White by Natasha Friend (fine, but not great), Pizza, Love, and Other Stuff That Made Me Famous by Kathryn Williams (good. Sweet.), Decked with Holly by Marni Bates (surprisingly, really, really bad. Silly premise, bad execution, terrible ending), and 52 Reasons to Hate My Father by Jessica Brody (Fine. Better ending than I expected).

For those who are interested in my actual, you know, life, I don't know what to say. From the outside, I imagine it looks like I'm coping fairly well. I go to all my classes, do all the assignments and tests and projects. I'm cooking for myself and cleaning for myself now too. I have old friends and new friends this year. I'm still keeping up with my friends back home. Besides the clubs, everything's basically staying afloat. For now.

But inside, of course, everything's falling apart. In so many ways. One day I hate my mother, the next day my father. I get mad at myself for accidentally remembering my old house. I get mad at my friends for not understanding or not asking enough questions or making stupid comments.

And before anyone tells me to see a therapist or whatever, I'm already on it. It helps. Some. Though he has this odd fascination with my relationship with my mother. Seriously.

I feel like I should say something significant or insightful or substantial here, but I don't think I have anything. Yes, I'm struggling to rebuild my identity now that I've lost my family, my neighbourhood, and basically my city/hometown. Yes, I relive our last few days together over and over. Yes, yes, yes to all the bad questions. Yes, it still hurts. Every single day. Lots of crying. Lots of pain.

Mostly, I'm afraid. Afraid of the pain of the future. Afraid of our first Christmas apart. Afraid of going home in December. Afraid, most of all, that everyone and everything will move on, and I'll be stuck here, alone, still hurting and mourning, and everyone look at me like "it's been 1/2/10/15 years, get over it already".

This is a really down post. I'm not completely sure why I decided to write it tonight of all nights or why I wrote at all. I guess part of the reason is explanation. A message to say that I'm not gone forever. That I may be back. One day. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next year. Whenever I've figured things out a little bit more. Whenever it hurts a little bit less.

Thanks for reading. If anyone is still reading.

21 comments:

  1. Give yourself time... your family as you know it has been torn apart. But keep doing the things you enjoy. While your parents have helped make you who you are, what is happening with them does not define you. Keep posting!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sorry hear you are going through all these troubles. Do you have another place where you express your thoughts? Maybe a journal or diary? It would seem to me a very valuable thing to be able to have a place that is just for you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am still reading.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Katherine, still reading & I missed your posts! I wish I could recommend a book that would just WOW you. Sounds like most as of late have been a wee bit underwhelming. Hope to you see you back here blogging :)



    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm not only still reading, but still waiting for you to start posting again. I wouldn't want to miss your blog..
    How are you doing? I too can't recommend any good books, but if you need some cheering up watch silver linings playbook, it's a fantastic movie.
    Hope to read more from you soon!

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  7. I really miss your posts and I hope you are doing as well as possible!

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  18. Olivia (New Zealand)August 3, 2013 at 6:38 PM

    Katherine, I really hope that everything is okay with you, and that you will come back to posting when you are ready. I miss your posts and I was ;loving hearing about how university was going for you

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