I'm Ready

I'm ready to go. But I'm not ready to leave.

There are so many things I'm going to miss--my cat, my bed, my room, my house, my street, my city.

But those things will all be here when I get back. The people, though, they'll be gone. Or, we'll be gone. Either they'll change or I'll change or our relationship will change. Sure, we'll see each other and write each other and talk to each other. But we'll probably never be as close as we are at this moment. We probably won't live in the same city ever again. Our lives will never be as connected as they are now. We'll never know each other in the same way.

I love these people and as ready and eager as I am to leave and move forward and LIVE, I am not ready to leave them. I can't stand the thought of losing them. How can I LIVE without the people who make up my life?

First, there's my class, as a whole, all seventeen of us, together. A, who is outrageous and so, so funny. S, who is so insanely smart. Everyone. Playing flip cup together. Surviving exams together. Going to Cuba together. I love this group and I hope they all go on to do great things.

Then I have M. She's very smart. Smarter than me in many subjects. Very determined. She works very hard. And she's also incredibly clever and insanely funny. She's unique. She stands up for herself. She's just her, no apologies.

Then there's T. An individual, if there ever was one. She has passion. Creativity. Focus. Her interests range from comic books to quilting, dancing to friendship bracelets. She's always interesting to talk to.

As always, there's S. I've loved her, I've hated her, I've needed her, I've avoided her. But she's always been there. Through it all. I find our friendship interesting. She's known me longer than any of my other friends. She's known me at times and in ways that no one else has. She is fun. She is really good at math and chemistry. She's great to talk to.

Then there's F. My best friend. One of the best people I know.

We met in ninth grade. Became friends in tenth grade spanish. She spoke it better; I studied harder. She finished the semester 2% higher than me. I finished the semester with the friend I had always been looking for, the friend I had been missing for so long.

F is smart. She is insightful. She's hilarious. She's confident. She's so incredibly nice and kind.

She loves Harry Potter (Fred and George are her favourites). She hates nothing, not even badly written books, boring movies, or bad people. She sees the best in everything. She loves to memorize trivia. She knows everything about Greek mythology, Narnia, and the Lord of the Rings. She loves Johnny Depp for some ungodly reason. She loves to play the Kevin Bacon game with me.

F is special. Special to me. I feel comfortable with her. Like I can almost fully be myself around her, uncensored. I can tell her when I'm feeling too anxious or awkward about something. I can tell her if I don't like her food or her dog or her art. I can just be. I think she may be the only friend I've ever had like that.

And finally I have my dad. My best everything.

He loves basically every sport--hockey, basketball, volleyball, tennis, ultimate frisbee. He's a really great runner. He loves to watch sports too, especially when Tiger Woods is playing. He reads a lot of non-fiction. He wants to do a triathlon. He wants to travel around the world. He likes Coke, Vanilla Coke, Cherry Coke, and his dog Maddie.

He is very smart. He is funny. He is a hard worker. He has a bad temper. He is so helpful. He has a hard time apologizing to people. He is always so awesome to spend time with.

These are the people who make up my world, as it is now. I have one day left with them, and then I have to leave, even if I'm ready or not. That's sad. That's scary.

But you know what's exciting? That I'm ready to go and find new people to make up a new world. That I'm ready to LIVE.

Book Review: Stay by Deb Caletti

Plot Summary (via the jacket cover): Clara's relationship with Christian is intense from the start, and like nothing she's ever experienced before. But what starts as devotion quickly becomes obsession, and it's almost too late before Clara realizes how far gone Christian is--and what he's willing to do to make her stay.


Review: Stay is the book that Deb Caletti has been working her whole life to write. Or, at least, that's how it felt to me.

I've read all of her books, and up until this point, I've liked them well enough. I really enjoyed The Nature of Jade. I liked The Secret Life of Prince Charming. I rather disliked The Fortunes of Indigo Skye. But really, one way or another, my appreciation of those books really depended on plot rather than the quality of the writing. And here, with her latest book, Stay, I feel like she has finally found her plot, which has served to elevate her writing as well.

I only annotate books when I'm using them for school projects. Yet, when I was reading this novel, I couldn't stop myself from grabbing my pencil. From the first page, I was underlining sentences, adding notes in the margins. The first chapter was so strong, I just had to highlight it. The development of the main character and the main conflict were so good, I just had to note it. The writing was so real, so smart, and so well crafted that I just had to remember it.

I wish I could share all the great quotes with you. But then I'd be typing up half the book and I'd be charged with plagiarism. Instead, I've selected a few that I think highlight different dimensions of Caletti's masterpiece:

"I moved away from her, followed the line of his eyes until I was standing next to him. I wish you knew me, because you'd appreciate what this meant. I would never just go walking up to some guy." (pg. 3)

Stay is written in first person, as most young adult novels are. What is more of note is that it is written with an awareness of its audience, or, at least, an audience of some kind. It is also written in past tense, as the character reflects on her experience. I don't think that these techniques would fit all stories, but I think it worked really well here. The nature of the plot, which revolves around an abusive relationship, fits really well with this type of storytelling. The lines I've quoted here are just example of how these tools aided the story. Because Clara was looking back on the event, she was able to put it in perspective, and really provide insight into how much this boy affected her. Because Clara is talking to her audience, as she does in the line in bold, she was able to make a personal connection with the reader. To me, that line sounds so incredibly real. If I were a character in a book, that's how I think I'd speak.

"He looked at me expectantly. I knew what I was supposed to say...it was easy. But I could feel his need to hear it, his need for my reassurance, and that need made me feel...large, maybe. In a way I hadn't before." (pg. 21)

I have read few books about abusive relationships, but none like this one. Not only was Stay more engaging, more insightful, and more real, but it was also the only book I've read that focused on an emotionally abusive relationship rather than a physically abusive relationship. Here, with this quote, we are invited into the beginning of that relationship between Clara and Christian. This quote hits me so hard because it feels so real. I have never been anywhere near a situation or relationship like Christian and Clara's. Yet, with this one sentence, I completely understand why Clara stayed with Christian for so long. With those few words, I understand the spell. Because I understand what Clara is saying so perfectly. Christian makes her feel needed, important, and powerful. I can easily understand why she would become addicted to those feelings, even when all the horrible feelings started to take over. No one wants to shrink down to small and powerless once they've been large and almighty. With this line, and so many brilliant lines before and after this one, I connect with Clara, I understand the relationship between her and Christian, and I connect her feelings and her desires with my own. That is the effect of good writing, good storytelling, and a strong narrative voice.

"I started having these conversations with him in my head that you have when you first meet someone you know is going to be important in your life."(pg. 14)

Good novels are about character and plot. Great novels are about ideas. One of the things I love about Stay is that it presents interesting themes and ideas. It is filled with sentences like this, sentences that make me stop and think, not only about the novel itself, but about my life, and life in general. It makes me ask questions--how did Clara know Christian would be important? Have I ever known that about a person right when I met them? Could you know that? To me, these thoughts and these questions are the mark of a great novel. They are interesting ideas, little pieces of inspiration.

Individually, all of these elements were strong. Together, they made an amazing novel. Numerous times I had to grab my pencil to add the same note--"Deb Caletti is the type of author you read to learn how to write." I really can't think of a better recommendation.

My Kind of Love

I devote a lot of time to romance, especially considering I have never experienced it myself. Last week, I wrote an email to my friend analyzing the Ron/Hermione kiss. I rewatched the Emmett/Daphne confrontation from the Switched at Birth finale at least ten times. I keep a blog where I review books, tv, and occasionally movies, where I basically just talk about the romance. I spend so long analyzing various romances that I thought I'd take a minute to turn the camera on myself, so to speak, and analyze the way I view romance, examining what kind of romantic I am.

Surprisingly, I don't buy into many of the cliched romantic constructs. I don't believe in soul mates. It's a nice idea, I guess, but it's rather silly. I mean, I like how Ephram describes it to Amy in Everwood, but I still don't agree with it. I think Monica and Chandler have it right--two people aren't destined to be together; they stay together because they are committed to each other, because they work for each other, because they love each other, not because of some cosmic fate. I think it's funny how things work out. I think there are people who are better suited for each other. But it's not fate. And really, I think the idea that love is intentional is much more romantic--you want to be with someone so much, that you're willing to work for it. 

I like to think of it more as exceptions. I first stumbled across this concept in this blog post and it really made sense to me. I find the idea of soul mates very constricting. I like to think that it's more that you're trying find your exceptions. Those people that you'll really love, that will really be part of your life forever--as family, friends, or romantic partners. Most people in the world will mean nothing to you. But you spend your life looking for the people who will. There's no limit. There's no fate. Chance plays into it. But so do choices. Don't waste your life looking for a perfect soul mate. Try to find someone you like, someone who gets you, someone special just to you. Make the intentional effort. Don't leave it up to fate. 

I also have a problem with the idea of love at first sight. It's terribly unrealistic, of course, but beyond that I find it terribly unromantic. One of my favourite constructs is friends who fall in love, because they really know each other. There are countless examples; I'll try to limit myself. I've already mentioned Monica and Chandler and Ron and Hermione and Emmett and Daphne. There's also Jason and Steph from How to Be Popular (Meg Cabot), Christopher and Em from the Airhead Series (Meg Cabot), Booth and Brennan from Bones. They already know everything about each other, and they still love this person. They love everything. But, at first sight, they don't know the person at all. Their love is based on assumptions and appearances. Neither of those things are romantic at all. 

In terms of romantic moments, I prefer intimacy over big gestures. I like small, personalized weddings where everything is unique to the bride and the groom. I like scenes where characters talk and kiss in a room, alone. I like engagements where they're just lying in bed one sunday morning and he wants the moment to last forever and he knows right then that he has to marry her.

Romance is a big part of my life. It is often a source of comfort for me--it makes me happy about the world, and it lifts me up when I'm feeling sad. I bookmark a countless number of romantic scenes--Casey/Cappie, Novalee/Forney, Kurt/Blaine, Chuck/Blair, Josh/Donna, Michael/Mia, Harry/Charlotte, Luke/Lorelai, Ben/Leslie. In all of that my favourite scene is from Everwood. It has my favourite line:

"I just want to be with you, next to you, wherever you are."

To me, that's what love is. Not soul mates or first glances. But when you really know someone and you really love them and all you want, all you need is to spend time with them. Not on some expensive vacation or something, but just hanging around the house, watching tv or reading. 

Moreover, this line contains one of my favourites phrases in the english language--"I want to be with you." People say it all the time, so we don't really think about what it means. But when you break it down, word for word, and you examine the different nouns, verbs and conjugations, it sounds like the most romantic thing ever. I just want to be with you--I just want to exist with you.

That is my kind of love. That is the kind of romantic I am. 

The Beginning of the End

It has officially begun. The months are gone, the weeks are numbered, and the days are quickly slipping away. The end is coming.

This end is a beginning, yes. New school. A whole new life, practically! But I think it's important to acknowledge that it's also the end of a lot of things. Like the day I had today.

I've been away with my family for a few weeks, so today was the first time in a long time that I got to see my friends. And it was weird. In a way, we have so much in common, yet in another way we have so much pulling us apart.

We are all at the same point in our lives, all weeks away from starting university. We all have lists and lists of things we need to pack and buy, places we have to go, and people we have to say goodbye to. In that way, we understand each other like no one else could. Our conversations flowed easily from discussions of marks to classes to orientation to roommates. We're all worried about the same things. There was a universal anxiety. I'm shy, but even my most outgoing friend is scared of all the change that's coming.

It was interesting to compare our feelings and concerns. My one friend, S, is going to school in Toronto. She has to deal with dorms, roommates, and a new school, but other than that her life will stay the same. She's still going to live in her hometown. She's still going to see her parents and her house and many of her friends. She plans on coming home on sunday nights or occasional drop-ins. Still, she's very nervous. She doesn't know what it will be like to live with a roommate. She fears orientation week. She doesn't like all this change.

My other friend, F, is going to school two hours away. She will have to deal with a new city, a new living situation, and new classes in subjects she has never taken before. She plans on coming up every weekend or every other weekend. She's very excited about school, and extremely enthusiastic about all the orientation stuff. She's generally a positive person, and this is no exception.

And then there's me. I'm moving nine hours away. New subjects, new dorm, new province, new language, new culture. I'm terrified. I'm trying very hard to be positive, but I'm not perfect. I get anxious about move in day. I get scared about meeting new people, going to new classes. I'm trying to be okay with all of this, but I'm not really. I'm just getting better at pretending. Somedays, I feel completely ready. But mostly, I just feel sad. Sad to leave home. Sad to leave my friends and my world. Sad that so much is ending.

It was so strange meeting today. We had so much to talk about, so many things to discuss about the future. But there were still many silences. Because while we have a lot to say about our individual futures, there's nothing left of us except our collective past. This is it. Usually, as I'm walking home, I analyze everything everyone said and did, evaluating the day. Today, when I started to do that, I just shook my head. It doesn't matter anymore.

Because our friendship is over. But our futures are just beginning.

The Story of My Life

I am moving out my house in thirty nine days. I am leaving the neighbourhood I grew up in, and the only city I have ever known. In thirty nine days, I am moving six hours away, and I don't know if I'll ever really come back. 

Scared doesn't begin to describe what I'm feeling right now. Lonely. Anxious. Sad. But also excited. Because when I move out of my house, I get to move into a new dorm room, and live with people who aren't related to me for the first time. Because when I leave my neighbourhood, I get to move into a dorm with hundreds of new neighbours. Because when I leave my city I get to meet a new town and a new province. 

Most of all, I am excited because I finally get to begin my life. What exactly does that mean? I mean, given all the possibilities, both good and bad, how will my life turn out? 

I don't know. But I'd like to try to describe it for you. They say you should lay the tracks for the future you want. Well, here I am. 

After four years of university, I greatest thing I hope for is experience. Academic experience, that will show me exactly what I want to do and exactly what I'm meant to be. Social experience, that will give me the true best friend I've always wanted and the boyfriend I've always dreamed of. Life experience, that will make me smarter, wiser, and happier. I'm not going to go seeking regrets, but I'm not going to fear them either. I want to kiss stupid guys. I want to make tons of new friends, until I can find the few I truly need. I want to be a good friend, a good student, and a good person. 

Plans change all the time. Right now, I plan to major in english and education, in hopes of becoming a writer, a librarian, or a teacher, or maybe a bit of all three. But I know that could change. In college, I want to discover passion, and I understand that that passion could lead me away from current plans. But, for now, I can only assume that I will stick to the plan. 

After college, I imagine myself maybe going to graduate school. Or teaching overseas. Or teaching in Canada, if the job market gets better (I'm not counting on that one though). I wouldn't be shocked if I still wrote, in some capacity. Maybe just blogging. Maybe short stories. Maybe reviews. Maybe a novel. Who knows. 

Assuming my life will be the fairytale I've always been promised (and I do not assume this at all, but this is my fantasy, so I'll go with it), I'll meet some great guy, either in college or in the year or two afterwards. What will he be like? Hmm. Interesting question. Well, I'd like him to be nice. Genuinely kind, always wanting to help people, a real, good person. I'd like him to be smart. I respect smart people. I'd like him to have a job he loves. And I'd like him to love me. 

After a few years together, he would propose. In a private place that was meaningful only to the two of us. Intimate. Alone. Personal. I'd say yes, without a second of doubt. We would get married in a small  ceremony--twenty guests, tops. The only people who would be invited would be people who really mean something to us. Our parents. Possibly his siblings (hopefully he has some, or our kid won't have any aunts or uncles or cousins, which would suck!). Best friends. My father would walk me down the aisle. During the father/daughter dance, we'd play a Barenaked Ladies song, probably If I Had A Million Dollars or What A Good Boy. 

Soon, we'd have kids. Sooner rather than later. Given the choice, I'd have kids at twenty-two. I'd almost have kids now. If I have one goal in my life, it's to have children. I want to be a teacher. I want to be a writer. But, more than that, I want to be a mother. That is what I am meant to do, more than anything else. 

We'd have two, possibly three kids. Hopefully the first one would be a girl. She would be named Amelia. Because I like that it has so many vowels. Because of Amelia Thermopolis, the girl who first made me love reading. Because of Amelia Earhart, the girl who wasn't afraid to fly. Because it is the name I gave to my first character in my first real story. Because it meaning to strive or excel, which sounds like me, but also sounds like someone so much better than me. 

I would want her to have at least one sibling, the brother or sister I never had. If it was boy, I'd probably name him Henry. A good, solid name. Or something else. I'm less fond of boys names. Somewhere, in all the different first names and middle names, I'd like to use the name Cassiopeia. It's the name of a greek constellation. I've always loved it. And it could be Cassie, for short, and I'd like that as well. 

Hopefully, my husband would be able to teach my kids the things I can't. How to be outgoing and personable and friendly. How not to be scared. Me, I'd teach them how to work hard. How to trust and love. How to live life with a big heart. How to live, not only survive. I'd share my passions with them. You can bet that any daughter of mine will have a library full of young adult books at her disposal. I can also promise you that on her eleventh or twelfth or possibly thirteenth birthday, she would unwrap her very own copy of Judy Blume's Forever. A parent can teach their kids about such things. But only Judy Blume can make them  understand in the way they need to. 

One day, my kids will grow up. Become teenagers. If they tried to get involved in academics, I'd tell them to be careful. Tell them to live all sides of life, to not limit themselves. But I'd also be proud of them. I'd feel a special connection. But either way, no matter what I say or what I want, they'll grow up, and move out of my house, my neighbourhood, and my city, to attend some school six or seven or eight hours away. One day, they'll be here, where I am today. And I'll feel scared and anxious and sad and excited for them too. I'd tell them that it'd all work out, somehow. 

That's what I want. That's how I want the story of my life to be written. But we'll see. Things  could always change. And I'd be open to that too. 

Movie Review: Ginny & Harry, Ron & Hermione

Let me tell you about the Harry Potter series. You may have heard of it. I've been told it's popular in Europe or something.

The first book is largely forgetful. At this point, readers were left to assume that Harry and Hermione would get together (or was that just me?), but since they were only eleven years old nothing could happen (I say, never too early for romance, but for some crazy reason, most people don't agree). The second book is no more significant, except, if I recall, it formally introduces Ginny Wesley, future love interest, involved in something called the Chamber of Secrets. The third book is a little longer, a little better, and includes, if I am not mistaken, the stupid cat vs. rat fight between Hermione and Ron (by this point everyone has figured out that these two are The Couple of the series. Many are left disappointed), and the Yule Ball. The first true hint of romance occurs when Hermione gets fed up with Ron and finally yells "Why didn't you ask me yourself?" or something to that extent.

The story progresses in the fourth book, but I have no idea where it goes. Harry kiss some girl named Cho Chang in the next book, but I don't remember anything else about her since she's not the big love interest. Finally, finally, finally, after slogging through five freaking books, we get to the sixth book, The Half Blood Prince. Hermione and Ron finally make some progress. She asks him to a party; he gladly accepts. Something tragic happens so they never get to go on their date. At the same time, Harry and Ginny grow closer, and eventually kiss, in front of everyone after the Quidditch match, or, in the Room of Requirement, depending on whether you read or watch movies. Harry and Ginny date, then break it off, fearing that her life is at risk for one reason or another. They kiss again in the next film, they both survive the evil wizard, and nineteen years later they have kids. Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione have been growing ever closer, holding hands as they fall asleep, acting protective and jealous, and then, finally sharing the kissing everyone was so eagerly waiting for.

That about sums it up, right?

I kid, I kid. I am aware that other things happen in the books. But I'm not exactly sure what...Anyways, I'm not going to attempt to review Harry Potter for you. That would be insane. There are a million and one blogs, newspapers, and, probably, by this point, novels, reviewing the latest movie, and any type of opinion or analysis I would attempt would be god awful in comparison. If that's what your looking for, thanks for stopping by. But, if, like me, you only read the books for the romance, please stick around. I have many things to say.

First, we have to establish the fact that the first seven movies handed the romance terribly. Everything was excruciating, so beyond awkward that it was hard to watch. And while most of the wizarding stuff was followed to the letter, the romantic scenes were completely reconfigured. Suddenly, Harry and Ginny's kiss wasn't in front of a giant crowd celebrating victory, but rather in some random room, alone. Somehow, romantic tension had been reduced down to awkward stares. It was bad, so bad, so expectations were low going into the last movie.

Let's start with Harry and Ginny. We'll save the best for last.

They were not the greatest couple in the books, but they were destroyed through every second of the films. I've already called it awkward. What else can I say? According to my trusty dashboard thesaurus, I can also describe it as embarrassing, uncomfortable, and unpleasant. The final film did nothing to fix this. They had the terribly self conscious moment when they reunited, just staring at each other while everyone watched. And they had the kiss, as awkward as ever.

One good thing I will say is that I liked how the kiss was staged in this film. It wasn't over dramatic. It was a quick kiss, a desperate attempt at love amidst all the chaos. But the actual kiss itself was awful. As many internet commenters have said, these two actors have absolutely no chemistry. The kiss had no heat.

Also, I liked how they kept looking for each other at various points in the film, to make sure they were still alive. A little awkward, but also a little sweet.

Overall, they were only slightly better than normal, which is still very, very bad.

But they were never The Couple of the series, so the final evaluation on romance was still open. That is, if they got the Ron and Hermione kiss right.

It was certainly the better of the two romantic subplots. They had a certain love, a special type of bond, right from the beginning of the film. You knew something good was coming. 

I went to see the movie with a Harry Potter fanatic who was seeing it for the second time in two days. As the title music came on, I leaned over to her. I was already anxious. I had to ask. "How long until we get to the kiss?" I was desperately waiting for this kiss. And I was not disappointed. 

I was surprised it took place with they were alone in the Chamber of Secrets rather than trying to save elves with Harry. But these were both good surprises. One of limitations of the first person perspective of the books is that everything had to be seen through Harry's eyes. They couldn't kiss alone--Harry wouldn't have been there. When they kissed, Harry's disgust largely ruined the moment. 

But in the movie, they were able to share a real, Harry-free moment, and it was great. Passionate. Worth the wait. And the laugh afterwords was cute. 

My friend hates romance. Every time there's a romantic moment on screen (jealousy, kissing, talk of love) she closes her eyes and covers her ears. But even she liked this kiss. As she said, it was mature, genuine, and real. She also said that she thought the laugh after was unscripted. I don't know. I've scene that move before.

The kiss was not just satisfying, it was necessary. Like, they had to kiss, because it could very well be the last chance for them. In most stories, you wouldn't be able to pull that off. The stakes wouldn't be there. But this was Harry Potter. Even though we all know that our favourite trio has to survive, we still get caught up in the suspense. There's a reason these books are so beloved.

I also appreciated that we got some moments after the kiss. When Ron yelled "that's my girlfriend!" and Hermione smiled so much. It's funny that such a social convention as boyfriends and girlfriends could still mean something with everything that was going on. But it did mean something. Because these are still insecure teenagers. It still means something to Ron that he can finally call Hermione, the girl he's loved for so long, his "girlfriend." And it means something to Hermione to hear it.

The other moment I enjoyed was when they walked towards Harry, hand in hand, declaring to Harry and to the world that they were together. I loved how proud they both were. It also made me laugh. One of my biggest problems with Harry's character was his arrogance--every time something happened with Ron and Hermione, he would remark how he knew it was coming. He had that arrogant look on his face now, but this time I didn't mind it.

In the end, they all got together. And even I loved the last frame, where it was just the three of them. Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Harry Potter. Romance be damned, these were the best of friends. Forever. 

Sex: A Healthy Compromise

Summary: Dominique Baylor meets Wes at a school football game, and is instantly charmed. She pursues him, but he seems hesitant. She just tries harder. Finally, she makes it through his shy, insecure exterior and they fall in love. The rest of the book maps their relationship, from their senior year of high school to their first semester of college. 

Or, to summarize it in one sentence, Judy Blume's Forever, circa 2007. 

Review: 

It is impossible for me to review this book without comparing it to Forever. That is the obvious comparison, and I think it's an important comparison to make. 

In the world of YA lit, Forever was a groundbreaker. It talked about sex at a time no one was allowed to talk about sex. It described sex at a time when everyone could still pretend teenagers didn't have sex! And, predictably, it became one of the most challenged books in YA history. 

I read it when I was fourteen or fifteen. I picked it up for a few reasons: (a) it is was by Judy Blume, and I had really enjoyed the Rachel Robinson books (b) it was a defining book of the YA genre and, most importantly, (c) it was about SEX. 

And I loved it. Or, more to the point, I devoured it. Stayed up until 3:00 in the morning to finish it. Here, in my hands, for the first time ever, I had someone actually telling me the truth about sex. Not the mechanics they teach in health class. Not the theatrics they show on tv. But an actual, realistic relationship. 

I still have an immense amount of respect for that book. It is daring, and not just about the sexual stuff. It is daring in romance, telling the story of a relationship that didn't work out, and saying that, you know what, that's okay. This isn't Twilight. When Katherine and Michael break up, she doesn't try to kill herself.

I had read a lot of YA before that, and I've read a lot since, and I can only think of a handful of books that are gusty enough to pull off that move. 

Anatomy of a Boyfriend is Forever, for the new generation. It's hipper, a little less dated. But beyond that, it is basically the same. And that is not necessarily a bad thing. I think many books should try to emulate the various elements that Forever explored so successfully--the sex, the break up, the transition to college, the challenge of growing up. 

Of course, I can't fully support such a carbon copy like this. When I say it's the same book, I really mean it. It is the exact same book. But I still enjoyed it. The writing was funny, the characters unique, the emotions real. I just don't think we need any more books like this. The groundbreaking is done. The message is clear: your first love is rarely your last love, and your first time is rarely with your last guy.  

I think that this sub-genre really needs to evolve more, and move past that message. In almost every other YA romance I've read, the couple ends up together. But somehow, when sex is involved, that's no longer allowed. Now it has to be a realistic novel. Now they have to break up, to illustrate that all important lesson. Why? Why can't it be more than that? My real question is this: why does the sex have to define the novel?

I've tried to think of other books where teen characters have sex. Ready or Not by Meg Cabot (not graphic sex). The Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot (implied. Chickened out by bizarrely including a chapter of another book to describe the intimacy). This Lullaby by Sarah Dessen (briefly acknowledged that character had sex. Never described it). Forever in Blue by Ann Brashares (not graphic). When It Happens by Susane Colasanti (a large focus of the book. Still not graphic). The Nature of Jade by Deb Caletti (so subtly implied that I did not understand that they had sex the first time I read it). Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer (less than implied, yet still not graphic. And they were married. Doesn't really count. Oh, Twilight, how I love you). 

In not one of those books do they really talk about sex. They all skim over it, like a cut away shot in movies, where you're supposed to just assume it happened because the characters were sitting alone together and vaguely touching or kissing. And there's no medium. Either the book is Forever or Anatomy of a Boyfriend, and it's a Sex Book, capital S, capital B. Or, it's a romance novel, where all the letters are small, and the word sex is mentioned as few times as possible. How can this be? We know teenagers have sex. We see the results every week on such brilliant shows as 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom. 

Why can't a girl be nervous about sex, but also have an awesome friendship story line? Why can't YA romance be both realistic and fantastical? Most of all, why is YA literature still trying to send out messages? Haven't we learned? It doesn't work. Teens don't read for the lessons, and moreover, they don't need lessons. Don't preach to kids. They're smarter than that. I've railed against this before, discussing the whole "you have sex and you have to get pregnant rule" that seems to have dominated teen relationships on tv. 

I want the best of both worlds. I want sex-free romance that is realistic, where sometimes they fight because they are growing apart or simply growing up. I want sexy romance where they sometimes end up together. I want both, I want either, and, most of all, I want to be done with the lessons. 

Forever is groundbreaking. Anatomy is a good refresher of that. But from here on out, I want more. Do you hear me, YA gods?