Too Fake, Too Fast

It feels fake.

The past doesn't feel real. Without the pictures and phone calls, I would barely believe it ever happened. It feels so surreal. I had a life before this? Who was I? It feels like my whole past, my whole history, is just gone. Only when I talk to someone from home or come across some momento do I think "hey, wow, I used to be somebody." That world, that past, is so entirely different than my present world, that it makes it feel like it never even happened. I know, it sounds crazy. But I feel like I have always lived here, lived like this.

At the same time, everything here feels just as fake. Everything I'm doing here, doesn't make sense, doesn't connect with anything I did before.

At home, there's always people to remind you who you are. Here, there's only me. And that one voice isn't strong enough to do the job all on its own. I'm getting lost. I'm losing myself.

I like it here. I like the life I'm living, the friends I'm making, the future I'm planning. I'm just having a hard time reconciling it all. I had a rigid routine, a well drawn image of who I was and what my life was. Here, none of the rules apply. Nothing seems familiar. Everything has changed, and my brain is struggling to keep up.

I am painfully, ridiculously shy. But I can't be that way all the time, otherwise I wouldn't be able to function in society. So, as a result, I've developed different versions of myself. There's me when I'm "off", completely comfortable, not stressed, just being, not thinking. Than there's me when I'm "on", always working, always trying, always almost stressed to the max. All week, I've been running on "on". Today made me realize I had run down to empty. I needed some alone time to recharge. To make sense of everything. To make sure everything was real. To look through pictures and talk to people and remember that I do have a past. To remember who I am.

I'm trying to find a compromise. Between the past and present. Between home and here. Between "on" and "off".

I'm trying. But it's hard. There's a lot to take in.

Sometimes, I just like to sit next to the open window and listen to the cars drive by. It sounds just like the city.

Sometimes, I like to sit and eat alone. It feels just like high school.

I'm trying to experience new things, new people, new places. But I'm tired. Trying is tiring. Exhausting. Confusing.

There's a song by Great Big Sea called "Fast As I Can." I've found the lyrics very comforting the last few days.

"I'm going fast as I can, please don't make me rush, this feeling's coming on way too fast." 

Exactly.

In college, you're supposed to reinvent yourself. I just want to find myself again. I want to find what's real. To find a reality where I feel comfortable, on and off. Where I can be myself. Never mind reinventing. It's hard enough holding onto to what was already there.