Monday, September 6, 2010

I'm nervous. There's no witty or referency or sarcastic way to skirt around it. I'm nervous. I have to go back to school tomorrow and I'm nervous. I mean, I wish I could look like this:

But instead, I look like this: 

 (Just without the red hair. Oh, I wish...)

I am totally stressed. Nervous. Sick to my stomach. Too scared to face it all. Dreading tomorrow morning. All of those good things. 

I rarely lay it all out on my blog. I cover up my vulnerability with not-so-witty punch lines and pop culture obsessions. But today, I lay it bear. I am scared. Terrified. It's not the work or the teachers or the tests. It is, as it always has been, the Friends Issue (which, sadly, has nothing to do with the tv show and everything to do with my lack of social skills). I have always had a hard time with friends. I was that weird kid in elementary school who walked around the schoolyard over and over again to try and mask the fact that I had no one to play with. Now, ten years later, I am still that person, walking up and down the halls, trying to look busy, when I'm really just trying to kill time before the next class. I mean, it's not like that everyday. And it's not like I have no friends. I've had good friends and great friends and best friends. And I've lost them all. Now, I have a few friends, and a group of friends. That's okay. But it's not great. And I'm not ready to face it. I just want to curl up in bed and die. Or watch Big Bang Theory. (once again, I can't resist a pop culture punch line. The whole paragraph is so pathetic. I needed something fluffy to distract myself). 

For a while there, I operated on the idea that this blog was going to be a certain type of blog. It was going to be about tv shows and young adult books and whatever else was happening in popular culture at the time. And largely, it is that exactly. My last post was about a character from Big Bang Theory (you know I've got to say it--SHELDON COOPER IS THE BEST CHARACTER OF ALL TIME. There, out of my system). The post before that was about the Emmys. I don't remember the post before that (way back in June), but I'm sure it was peppered with pop culture references. For a while, that is all I wanted my blog to be. But I think I'm going to change that. I'm going to be honest. I'm not going to hold back. I have no idea who's going to want to read my true, honest thoughts, but it's not like anyone reads this blog anyways. So, I have nothing to lose. 

I should adopt that same attitude about going back to school. I have nothing to lose. This can't get much worse. I may as well be honest. Be myself. Say what I think. I have nothing to lose, so I might as well lose it all. 

Step one in this new found honest blog is to write about what is making me nervous. Or, more exactly, who. It's a whole cast of characters. I better introduce you to them now, since, if the honesty continues, they'll probably be popping up a lot in the near future. Of course, I'll use pseudonyms, and I won't reveal anything personal about them or post in pictures of them. That's not my right. Instead, I'll just describe how they make me feel, how they impact me, and what they represent to me. So, first up (using a fake google image search picture), is Sandra:

I have known Sandra for a lot of years. And for a while there, we were the best of friends. We did everything together. We were always project partners, always sat next to each other in class. And then, almost overnight, she forgot about all that. She forgot about me. I don't know when exactly, and I don't really know why. But she didn't need me anymore and she didn't want me anymore. In movies, girls like this just disappear from your life. Sadly, my class only has thirty students. No one disappears. And you can't forget anyone. So, for the last few years, I've had to play pretend. I've had to pretend that it doesn't hurt me that I'm in invisible to her now. I have to pretend that I've forgotten what good friends we were and what fun we had. I've had to pretend that I'm fine with this transition from best friend to casual friend. It was nice to have a summer off from pretending. I don't want to go back. 

And, after that sob fest, there's my next friend, Destiny, 

Destiny is a great person. A great friend. Such a fun person to talk to. Such a great person to be with. I don't know how I'd survive school without her. But, I know she'd survive school without me. I know she doesn't need me like I need her. She is my best friend, plain and simple. But I'm not hers. She has friends from her old school. She has Sandra. She doesn't need me. And I know it. So, I can't call her my best friend. And I can't stop talking to Sandra. Because then I'd lose Destiny. And I'm not willing to do that. I would die at school without Destiny. So, instead, I must live with Sandra and Destiny and all that crap. I must live with it and pretend with it and be nervous about it. Every day. 

There are other people. I have other friends. But they're casual friends. I'm not so nervous about them. They're nice to talk to. And some of them are really great, smart, funny, fun people. I'll get around to introducing them eventually. If and when they're relevant. 

So, now you've met the cast (the stars, at least). And you've heard about the changes. Don't get me wrong. There'll still be lots of pop culture to come. Lots of Big Bang loving. And lots of Gossip Girl rants. I'm sure my next post will be about all the season premieres. And I'm sure the post after that will be about the new Shopaholic book. But here and there I might mention my personal life. Because even though I do love me some pop culture, I spend more time thinking about my friend problems. And I want this blog to reflect me, as I am now. I want this blog to be honest and relatable and interesting. I can't make myself more interesting. And I can only strive for relatable. But I can always be honest. 

So, there it is, all layed out for the world to see. All the wounds. All the vulnerability. There's nothing to lose and everything to gain. God, I sound as cheesy as Dawson's Creek

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...