Sunday, March 20, 2011

Dear Diary,

I'm scared. I don't want to go back to school. This next part is going to be really hard.

Monday is going to be hard. I'm going to have to talk to my french teacher about missing the test. I'm going to have to give an english presentation. I'm going to have to get a awful math test back. I'm going to have to find a way to pass my lunch without anyone to eat with.

I'm going to have to talk to people who pretend to like me and laugh with friends who pretend to know me. When I talk, they don't hear me. I'll be in the middle of a sentence, middle of a word, and they'll get up and walk away. They don't care what I say or who I am. They don't care about me. They don't want to be friends with me.

I'll go to school on monday, and I'll have to start every conversation, because no one wants to talk to me. My best friend doesn't want to talk to me. Because I'm not her best friend. I barely even know if I'm her friend somedays. Everyday, I struggle to find someone to eat lunch with. Everyday, I hate myself more and more because of that.

Right now, monday seems impossible. But monday's just one day. I'll be able to survive the awkwardness and the loneliness and the hard work for one day. It's the rest of the days after that that are impossible. Everyday when I have to wake up and beat my brains out to get perfect marks. Everyday when I have to feel stupid and foolish and invisible, good, but not good enough.

I'm terrified of monday and everyday after that, and I just want this to end. I want to be done with these people and these classes and this feeling. I want to go to university. But, from where I sit right now, university seems impossible. Monday seems impossible.

I'll get through this, I know. But right now, from where I am, it's hard to remember that. All I can see is challenges, all I can feel is the fear, and all I face is the impossible. But, one day, I'll wake up, and, hopefully, I'll see something else, feel something else, face something else. Something better.

At, least, I hope. That's how this works, right?

Wish me luck,


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