Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen: The Perfect Role Models

Confession: I secretly live my life according to Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. When I was in grade 9, I joined the United Nations club because of Winning London,

When I went to Australia last summer I had one goal: to climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge, like they did in Our Lips are Sealed,

And I always wanted to be a Gemini, because Mary-Kate and Ashley are. When they announced that the astrological signs were changed I was so excited. This was my chance. Sadly, they moved the wrong way. Instead of going from a Taurus to a Gemini, I was almost an Aeries (close call!).

When I was talking to my friend a few weeks ago about her chemistry class and she said something about oxidation reactions, I immediately responded by asking "like in Holiday in the Sun?!?". And when I was at a party last weekend and people were talking about Weezer songs I requested Island in the Sun, from the concert scene in Holiday. Even today, Mary-Kate and Ashley are my life. Permission to vomit now.

So, of course, I just had to see Beastly when it came out this weekend, since it starred the one, the only, Mary-Kate Olsen!

She was my favourite of the two. Mostly because her name was Kate, and my name is Katherine. Though, to be honest, I could never tell them apart anyway, so I just assumed whichever character I liked more was the one portrayed by Mary-Kate.

I know other, more normal, people went to see this movie for the supposedly "hot" Alex Pettyfer, (and now it's my turn to puke):

Do. Not. Get. It. He looks too generic. Like a male model. I don't see the attraction at all. But my friends sure do (they were even willing to see I Am Number Four for him!)

Sadly, this was not the Mary-Kate I knew. This was not the girl from Switching Goals or Passport to Paris or Billboard Dad or Two of a Kind or So Little Time or The Challenge (and yes, that sentence was just an excuse to squeeze in all the other MK+A movies I hadn't been able to mention in the intro). This girl was weird! I mean, look at her,

Oh, Mary-Kate, where have you gone?

And, of course, the movie was crap. I have know right to complain about it, I know. It's a Vanessa Hudgens movie. But has that ever stopped me before? Are you kidding me--I'm the girl that complains that Gossip Girl isn't realistic enough every week! And so, I have for you, the reasons that Beastly sucks, in no particular order:

1) The Plot is Crap

It's supposed to be some bizarre modern retelling of Beauty and the Beast. Alex Ugly Ass Pettyfer plays Kyle, the popular jerk who only cares about appearances. Vanessa Hudgens plays Lindy aka the beauty, who's a social outcast because she isn't as beautiful or as rich as the kids she goes to school with, and because, gasp, she's a scholarship student! The scandal! My dear Mary-Kate Olsen plays Kendra, the witch who hates Kyle, the one who puts a curse on him and makes him into a beast. Unless he can get a woman to say that she loves him in one year, he'll stay a beast forever! OMG!

The plot was so transparent, so flimsy. Absolute, 100% CRAP.

2) The Acting is Crap

Alex Pettyfer cannot act to save his life. He is just so damn awkward. There's this one scene when he walks into Vanessa Hudgen's bedroom and walks straight over to her dresser and crouches to the ground. WTF? Plus, there's the fact that the director tries to get his money's worth out of Alex by making him nearly naked in every scene. He's sitting in his room, writing a letter, SHIRTLESS. He's lying on the floor of the living room, SHIRTLESS. He's walking down the street, SHIRTLESS. And I thought he was awkward before. GOOD LORD.

Ms. Hudgens wasn't much better. I simply didn't believe the way she delivered her lines. They felt so rehearsed, so forced, and, again, so damn awkward. Mary-Kate was even more terrible, in such a bizarre character that I couldn't stand.

Amidst this teenage wasteland their were two reprieves. I don't know why they would ever agree to do this sucky movie, but hey, I can enjoy their time on screen. The first was Peter Krause, aka Adam from Parenthood,

He played Alex Pettyfer's father, who was an extremely stupid character. But still, it's Adam! You have to love Adam!

Know who else you have to love? NEIL PATRICK HARRIS.

BEST. HUMAN. EVER.

Sadly, his extraordinary talent was wasted in his role as Pettyfer's tutor or mentor or whatever. Though he had a few Barney-esque moments that any good HIMYM fan would enjoy (though, note to all HIMYM fans: Do not see this movie just because of NPH. Even he is not capable of making up for the suck that is the rest of this film).

3) The Romance is Crap

Things have not been good for this romantic this last little while. Gale/Peeta/Katniss have no chemistry/competition in The Hunger Games. Blair kissed Dan in Gossip Girl. Dan got together with Savannah instead of Marti in Hellcats. Leonard's with Priya instead of Penny on BBT. And now, Beastly gives me this crap romance that I didn't buy into for one second. Luckily, it looks like Booth and Brennan are going to get together on next week's Bones, otherwise I don't know what I'd do.

But Beastly is no Bones and Kyle and Lindy were no Booth and Brennan. I hated both the characters, so I was never going to love the romance. But come on! It was just so lame! And so unoriginal! He gives her an expensive purse. She doesn't like it. He gives her some other expensive gift. She doesn't like it. He gives her her favourite candy. She loves it. Because, as if we couldn't figure it out, Lindy isn't materialistic! She's so much better than that! Except, no, she isn't, because she never actually falls in love with Beast Kyle because she always likes Pretty Kyle. Dumb, dumb, and more dumb. Where has all the good romance gone?

I will always love Mary-Kate and Ashley. But I'm not so hot on Beastly. Or Beauty and the Beast, for that matter. But I think I might go watch vintage MK+A now. Maybe Our Lips Are Sealed. Or When in Rome. Or even New York Minute. Anything but Beastly.