Remember When Gossip Girl Was Actually Good?

Do you all remember a time when Gossip Girl was simple? When it actually made sense? Remember back in the first season, when all we had to worry about was Dan and Serena and their budding romance,

And the biggest drama was the whole Blair's dating Nate, who slept with Serena, who's dating Dan? Don't you miss the good old times? Because tonight, boy oh boy, I missed the old times. I missed the time when Dan was actually a good guy, who wasn't as corrupted as everyone else. I miss when Serena was only a slightly annoying character, instead of the most self obsessed, stupid person on TV. I miss when I actually cared about Rufus and Lily, when he looked normal, and was not a complete douche like he is now

Pre-douche Rufus: It's been so long! I barely recognize you!

But the real douche this episode wasn't Rufus, but, of course, his charming wife Lily. Now, I've always said Jenny and Serena were the worst characters on this show. Lily is certainly giving them a run for their money (at least she doesn't look like a raccoon. Yet). Yes, this week we got a giant serving of Lily douchiness, which is where, I suppose, I will start my review

Lily Screws the World (Again) AKA the first time Serena gets rejected by a man (but not really)

Truthfully, I think Lily's worst crime against humanity was not the whole Ben thing, but the fact that she gave birth to such an annoying, insipid, selfish daughter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, what she did to Ben was bad. But what do you expect? This is what Lily does! She uses money to solve her problems. And she was trying to save stupid Serena in the first place! So maybe, actually, this segment should be renamed: The One Where Serena is a Complete Douche. Because, my lord, was Serena an idiot in this episode.

So, a guy teams up with his sister to attempt to ruin your life, and actually tries to kill you. Then, you find out all of this, and the guy gets out of jail because your mom paid off the judge because it was her fault he was convicted in the first place. What's the first thing you would do?

a) Get the hell away from all the drama and move to another city

b) Enjoy being by yourself and not adored by a man for the first time since you hit puberty (or before that, god forbid)

or, you know,

c) Try to sleep with the guy

Personally, I think any NORMAL or SANE person would hopefully pick a) or b). That's just me, though. Serena, though, picks c). Yes, the VERY NIGHT he is released from jail she goes out to find him. WTF? W-T-F?

I almost felt bad for Ben. Serena wouldn't leave him alone! She just assumed that he'd want to see her! Why? Why would he want to do that? Oh, I know, because EVERYONE LOVES SERENA. Well, everyone is stupid. And Ben is stupid too. Except for his shining moment of the night, with this great line: "I see that look in your eye, and I know what it means! And I don't feel that way about you!"

Booyah! Go Ben!

Finally, for the FIRST TIME since the start of the show, someone rejects Serena! Finally, there is one sane human! Of course, as we saw at the end of the episode, he was lying to her. But, no matter. She still got put in her place. She had her feelings hurt, for the first time ever. She needed that.

That's the only good part of this whole story arc. This entire, season long Juliet/Ben/Serena storyline has been awful, and I just want to see it go. But, alas, it looks like this isn't the last we've seen of Ben. Just no more Juliet. I need some salvation. Speaking of, the second storyline of the night...

Dan and Blair Put Off Sex: Part 1

As promised, a little Dan and Blair love. Or at least like. In an episode where every single storyline sucked this one somehow became the only one I could stand to watch. But that's all I can give you Dair fans. I'm still not jumping on that ship. Not quite yet. First, because of that adorable moment when Chuck checked in, and was so obviously proud of Blair. Their flame will not die!

Yes, I will post a Chair picture every chance I get. I need to balance out the Dair with some Chair!

And second, because I'm really hating how the show is handling the whole Dair mess. Tonight's story was so freaking forced! And I had such good feelings going in. First, because the girl who played Meryl Streep's daughter in It's Complicated was playing the boss. And second, because someone on Gossip Girl was actually doing something productive for the first time ever. I wanted Blair to succeed at the internship. I wanted her to be good and smart, and successful enough to get back with Chuck (see above). But then the contrivance started.

I understand what they were trying to do. But I just don't think they succeeded. I know it was supposed to be role reversal. Oh look! Blair is actually being a nice person! And Dan is being the douche! How shocking! Except, it didn't really work, since what Dan did made absolutely no sense! It's Complicated girl had just finished telling him how awesome he was, and how awful Blair was. He didn't need to do anything else! So it wasn't a role reversal. Because when Blair schemes, it makes sense, and it has heart. What Dan was doing was just stupid and heartless. And that is not the Dan I fell in love with in season one! I want him back!

Oh, Lonely Boy, where have you gone?

All this storyline showed us was what we already knew: Dan needs to become Dan again! And Blair needs to grow up! I've spent the whole post bellyaching about how everyone needs to revert back to season one Gossip Girl. Well Blair's that exception. Because she may look different

The only thing left is the headband!

But she's still that immature sixteen year old. And if she's ever going to achieve something (and get back together with Chuck!), she's going to have to act her age, at least. Come on Blair, you can do it. I believe in you! You're the last good character left in this whole show!

Speaking of my love of Blair, I did adore some of her lines tonight. I was laughing so freaking hard. Here are my favourites:

1) "I don't judge. Today."

2) "Look! Georgina's baby!"

CLASSIC! You may be immature and I may not like your budding romance with Mr. Humphrey, but I'll always love you Blair. Just get back together with Mr. Bass, and everything will be alright. Speaking of Mr. Bass...

Chuck Bass Sleeps with Some Random Chick I Didn't Even Bother to Remember the Name Of

Didn't bother to learn the character's name. Didn't bother to pay attention to this storyline. Sorry! But I'm sure it's something along the lines of Chuck screws some girl, because he's in love with Blair, but he can't be with her because it's too early in the season/series, like EVERY other storyline Ed Westwick has ever been given.

Moving on...

Eric Dates Damien, or Whatever

Didn't pay much attention to this storyline either. Didn't even bother to find a proper picture. It has Damien in it. Good enough for me.

From what I could tell poor little Eric is lonely. Because it's hard to be a rich gay boy that all the other guys are clamoring over! Boohoo! I feel so bad for him! Whatever Eric. Shut up. Stop doing drugs. Stop hanging out with Damien. Because we all know how well that worked out for Jenny (she was written off the show! Take that!).

Oh, and then Damien interfered with the whole Ben/Serena thing, resulting in one of the most non-sensical scenes of series that included the the Serena killing a man/Georgina being involved with a Russian mobster arcs! I don't understand that last scene at all. And the worst part is, I don't even care. That's the problem with tonight's Gossip Girl. And basically the whole season. Last season was just as crappy, but at least I had something to hold on to, something to invest in. Chuck and Blair were enough for me. But this season I have nothing. The only story I mildly enjoyed this week was Dan and Blair, and that's just not worth it for me. If I could find a way to quit this show I would! But then they'd just feature Chuck and Blair in a promo, and would be blown to hell. We all know I'm in this 'til the end. Unfortunately.

XOXO